i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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