What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
