I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
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