Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
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