Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
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I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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