he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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