This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Randomize
