Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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