You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Randomize
