Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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