Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
