quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
