Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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