did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Randomize
