I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
