this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
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She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
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We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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