New low: just hacked my moms facebook
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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