I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
