My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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