im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Randomize
