around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
