I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Randomize
