I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Randomize
