At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
