Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
