I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
