Did you just see the Batmobile???
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
