My underwear smells like fireworks.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
