Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
