after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
