my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
