My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Randomize
