I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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