there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
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