every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
