Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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