He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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