my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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