I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
