Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
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