The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
