I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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