I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
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Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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