I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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