you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
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I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
No...this little piggys going to the bar
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
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My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
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