if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
In other news, I just burned my penis
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Randomize
