i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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