If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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