Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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