At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
