just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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