Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
