I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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