All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
