everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
