Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
