so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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