My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize
