there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
