I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
