I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
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